How NOT to write Hellsing fanfiction
by Fomalhaut
Summary: Well, you want to write a Hellsing fanfic? Great. But AVOID what is written inside here, FOR HIRANO'S SAKE! UPDATED! CHAPTER 5 - Cliffies and smut!
1. Chapter 1

**This is a PARODY, made PURELY for fun. Not MAKING FUN. This is not directed to any of you fanfiction writers.

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****Hellsing belongs to Hirano. This silly little story (?) belongs to me.

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**Hellsing fanfiction: what to avoid (ABSOLUTELY and CATEGORICALLY)

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Now, let's begin with an average day at the Hellsing mansion. Oh, _Hellsing The Dawn_. Now, Girlycard sits in a room reading/wondering/eating/doing something else. Now, let's say (s)he's wondering about (his) her past. So, 1 or 2 chapters are spent with Girlycard angsting, and crying lots of tears of blood in the process.  
Meanwhile, on the other end of the mansion (describe it longly), young Walter (possibly standing in front of a mirror, so 1. you can describe him and spend another chapter – oh, after ending it with stuff like "…and his lovely raven locks etc…" don't forget to add "OMG! A CLIFFY!" 2. if a fangirl, you can drool and imagine him UNdressing) angsts about how much he is in love with Girlycard, and there go a few more chapters.  
Still in the mansion, Arthur angsts about how he has finished his alcoholics. But wait, this isn't angsty enough! So, Arthur angsts about how no one wants to marry him and he's without a heir. So, another two chapters.

Then, you can angst a little more with Girlycard or Walter. Getting back to Girlycard, (s)he's getting REALLY angsty when the door swings open and… OMG! A CLIFFY! (Of course, for the sake of adding stuff like "Alucard heard fast-paced steps echoing down the stairs…", this can happen in the basement). So, in the end (you can spend 1 or 2 chapters with Girlycard drying away her tears of blood and wondering about who it could be), Walter enters the room. There goes another description (and possibly another chapter) about his angsty, sad, worried etc. face. OMG! A CLIFFY! Another chapter about wondering, and OMG! A CLIFFY! In the end, Walter cries out "Alucard… I love you." There goes another chapter about how Girlycard is surprised or happy, but in the end accepts. And then… OMG! M-RATED! LIME! LEMON! ORANGE! GRAPEFRUIT! And more tropical fruits. For more impact, locate the action inside Alucard's coffin. Then Walter, in ecstasy, can angst about how strict it is.

The night flows past (beautiful panoramic about the stars, a full moon and some random animals, like bats, owls, wolves, maybe some ghouls), you can spend another chapter about it. Oh, if you choose the ghouls, FOR HIRANO'S SAKE, DON'T MAKE THAT LOVING COUPLE STOP! It's so lovely inside that sweet little coffin. Make the Hellsing army destroy the abominations, and wonder about where Alucard could be. Ah, the lucky (?) reader knows!

Okay, after the night is finally over (2 or 3 chapters, and some OMG! A CLIFFY!-s about how Walter sneaked back to his own quarters, obviously angsting all along), you can write a few chapters about an absolutely OOC Girlycard angsting about what (s)he had just done.

So, chapters in and out, steps echo down the stairs, and Walter rushes in. OMG! A CLIFFY! Angst and descrpitions follow, and finally a conversation similar to this takes place:  
"Alucard… I think we're expecting…" Walter said (angsty description of his face).  
"But Walter, I'm a vampire." (S)he can stay this steadily, or you can make her OOC and terrified.  
"I know, but…" Walter said (with an even angstier face, of course).  
"And we used condoms." (Riiiight.)  
"SHUT UP!" OMG! A CLIFFY!  
Angst, angst and angst, then… _Walter is pregnant_.  
"I used a pregnancy test this morning…"  
For Arthur Hellsing keeps some, just in case. And a 14 year-old boy's first thought after a night of making love is obviously this, for he skipped all the biology lessons.

Guess what follows? Why, MORE ANGST! MUCH more.

And there you go, the next 10 (but minimum 5) chapters can go with Girlycard and Walter angsting. Here goes the first logical thing: a 14 year-old _boy_ can't be taken to an abortion clinic. Yes, _technically_ he _could be taken there_, but who works in that clinic? Frankenstein? (Or Dok from the Millennium? For he would operate Walter, instead of killing him, of course.) Okay, we went off-topic, sorry.

After your reader has drown in the angst, you take them out and Walter, after barely two months, goes into labor. OMG! A CLIFFY! And some "unbearable pain", blood, tears, Girlycard rushes over and cries blood all over Walter. OMG! A CLIFFY!  
"Oh Alucard… a vampire baby… is different… such a short time… aaah!" more unbearable pain and angst.  
OMG! A CLIFFY!

In the end (a few chapters about pain, wondering, oh, and don't forget the ANGST), Girlycard somehow realizes (s)he can't take Walter to a hospital, but they need to leave the mansion (?), so they get into a limo and shot off into the night. Now, the choice is yours: 1. They can get stuck in a snowstorm; 2. The limo can break down/run out of gas; 3. The best one: lots, and here I mean LOTS of ghouls from the evil Millennium STRIKE DOWN!  
OMG! A CLIFFY!  
Now, about 2 or 3 chapters with Girlycard trying to beat the ghouls (didn't know they were so powerful) while angsting about Walter being in labor, and Walter in pain. Unbearable, don't forget it.  
In the end, Girlycard beats up the ghouls, possibly in less than one chapter, and gets back to Walter… and on with (his) her hopes about not being too late. OMG! A CLIFFY! But it's too late, you guessed it! Cliffies and angst (3 chapter minimum), after which Girlycard _rips the baby out of Walter_, then puts her down (yeah, it's a her, Mpreg stories can produce only girls, but there's also another reason), and she can cry so they can angst a little more, but Girlycard sews up Walter (where did (s)he find thread and needle?) (and don't forget unbearable pain, blood and cries, just to angst the fic a little more), and he's perfectly alright. Niiice.  
Now, they pick up the baby (and logical thing nr. 2.: Walter can't lactate. Oh wait, he can! Or maybe Girlycard can, but let's get back to topic.), and feed her (yes, a baby's bottle of warm milk juts happened to be lying around in the limo), then drive back to the mansion. Wait, not straight! The drive home can be broken into 5 or 6 chapters, they can angst, Walter can wonder about how maternal feelings he has for the baby, Girlycard can have some too, so, after they eventually manage to find the way back home, Arthur awaits them at the door. OMG! A CLIFFY! Or wait, he can appear only later, for the sake of more angst and descriptions. So, Arthur's there, but what will they say? Wondering, angst, OMG! A CLIFFY!

Then, angsting etc., they say they _found_ the baby (hard to believe, but logical thing nr. 3.: will Arthur believe that his _male_ 14 year-old servant just gave birth to a baby from a _vampire_?), Arthur believes it (some more angst and wondering, 2 or 3 chapters), and, since at the beginning (remember?) he angsted about not having a heir, decides to take her, raise her and name her Integral. Girlycard and Walter angst about the loss of their daughter, then she grows up and becomes Sir Integral "Integra" Wingates Fairbrook Hellsing.

And you have written a wonderful fanfiction! (And the readers will need a paper bag.)


	2. Mary SUes

**I decided too keep this one up ;).

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**Part II: Mary-Sues**

Mary sue will _always_ exist, so brace yourselves. However, they're surprisingly rare in Hellsing fanfiction. With this, I mean that browsing through Hellsing fanfics I am not constantly faced with summaries like _A mysterious girl shows up blah blah blah_, like pretty much everywhere else, from Pirates of the Caribbean through Harry Potter to Eragon. Oh well.

Let's distinguish a few Sues, okay? I'll leave Classic Sue out 'cause you know the rant. I won't state if they're common or rare; I have seen a few sueing around.

**Alucard Sue**

_General: _She's a random vampire who loves killing other vampires. Is she bound to any random protestant knight organization which holds round-table meetings and fights against other vampires? Oh, never. She's free and kills vampires because they're evil. For _she_'s a good one, you see.

_Romances_: Alucard, of course.

_Angst_: You need that. Give her a horrible childhood and a horrible memory about how she turned into a vamp.

_Development_: Alucard has to carry off Sir Integra's orders, but her power over him seems not to be enough to take him away on a mission while he's busy undoing Miss Sue's sexy clothes. For she can be hundreds of years old, her clothes are ones that would make Seras' skirt look like baggy pants. They're either in tune with the latest trends, or photocopy Alucard's ones. Ghouls can storm and destroy the Hellsing HQ; Alucard doesn't care. For vampires can lemon around and have kids, ya know.

_Redeemable?_ Originality, sweeties. Then we'll see.

**Seras Sue**

_General_: The poor teenage girl is dying, and Alucard's non-existant heart is breaking. It is no matter he had nothing to do with her death; maybe he was just passing by as she choked on a cheeseburger. But nevermind that, he bites her, she gets some extra-short skirt and Sir Integra takes her presence in stride. Now Alucard, Seras and Sue can go kill some vampires.

_Romances_: Alucard.

_Angst: _Sue doesn't want to drink blood, obviously, and here comes the perfect opportunity to fill a few chapters with angst. Go you.

_Development: _If Alucard X Seras is presumed, the police girl either dies and is replaced by Sue (who cries bathtubs of blood over her death), or doesn't care, or mysteriously disappears. There's no need of her any more…

_Redeemable?_ Give Alucard a good reason to bite her, fuck her and marry her. Oh, and try not to kill Seras or steal her personality.

**Hellsing Sue**

_General:_ GASP! Integra's long lost sister shows up and, as a Hellsing, can control Alucard! Integra is either happy to see her or is brutally killed off.

_Romances:_ Alucard.

_Angst_: "I have no one in this world!"

_Development: _"I, as your Master, order you to _fuck_ me!" Then Alucard makes her a vampire, or we don't know.

_Redeemable?_ For God's sake, WHERE CAN YOU SEE A PLOT HERE???!!! The ending is always the same…

**Vampire Hunter Sue**

_General:_ Some random teenager can beat Alucard in fighting, as she can slay 100 vamps in, like 10 seconds. Probably wields a katana, for, you see, that's oh-so-much-sexier than the Casull or the Jackal. So of course Integra wants her to join them.

_Romances_: Alucard [Alucard screaming: AGAIN?! My undead cock can't handle all this!!!.

_Angst:_ Vampire hunter teens are usually angsty emos.

_Development:_ Alucard is so amazed by her that he begins following her like some lost (hell)puppy. For she's made leader of the Hellsing forces after she slays a ghoul which randomly walked inside Integra's bedroom at night. Sue wears black leather or something equally cool, but always extremely tight.

_Redeemable?_ …I won't say a straightforward no, but still can hardly see this working.

**Fan Sue**

_General:_ Miss Sue drools over the manga pages when she is suddenly catapulted inside, right in the arms of her man of choice. So many weird things happen in there, however, that he simply puts her down and carries on with his job, while she screams like mad "I LUUUV YOUUU!!!"

_Romances:_ Mostly Alucard, but it sometimes depends on the organisation. She can fall into Hans Günsche's or Alexander Anderson's arms too, but generally tries to track down Alucard even in these occasions.

_Angst_: Her parents are divorced and she cries on Alucard's shoulder…

_Development:_ She doesn't get killed, and completely shatters canon for she has read the manga, and know what will happen. So her fave characters don't die, she slays the ones she hates and rules the world alogside her one true love. Oh joy.

_Redeemable?_ If you don't make a clumsy, overweight teenager miraculously turn into an anorexic weapons master, maybe.

**A curious type: Outsider Sue**

This is a weird Sue type. No matter which fandom, Outsider Sues are extremely rare.

_General:_ By "outsider" I don't mean "alien". An Outsider Sue is placed outside the course of the story. She can live anywhere and have any job, it just mustn't have anything to do with canon. So, in Hellsing, Sue can live anywhere from a skyscratcher in New York to a monastery in Tibet, just not in London, Rome or general Germany. Transylvania is to be avoided as well. She cannot be a vampire hunter, either, or generally have anything in common with too many canon characters.

_Romances_: Impossible to tell due to rareness.

_Angst:_ Oh, there's always room for _that_, trust me.

_Development:_ The canon goes by without her interfering. At a certain point, however, she does meet a character – and takes them _outside the story_. But never joins the action and changes canon.

_Redeemable?_ Absolutely. You're not forcing an unnecessary character inside an existing canon. But – beware! Outsider Sue can fall over the edge if you make the story unbelievable, e.g. she's having a walk outside her cute little house beside the Fujiyama when she runs into Alucard and they shag 'til dawn. That's not Outsider Sue, that's PWP, baby.

**Oh, and don't forget: OMG! A CLIFFY! **

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**Author's note: In Hellsing, I'm guilty of three (!) Fan Sues (at least they're all inside the same story, but still...) and one Outsider Sue. Some people told me she was a Sue, but she wouldn't fit into any other category.**


	3. Slash

**Thanks to MegFallow for the idea. :)**

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**Part III: Slash**

Slash can be good, unless it turns into a completely pointless PWP written by a sugar-high fangirl, in which Major and Anderson shag all night long.  
Or, even worse, Matchmaker Sue turns up, saves Pip from Zorin and persuades Dark Walter to fuck him. Let's sum this up, shall we?

**Random Hellsing slash fic a.k.a. The Ultimate Basket of Fruit**  
_(For the uninformed, sex is usually descibed as lime or lemon.)_

Let's begin somewhere in the middle of a huge everyone against everyone battle – not a canon one! – here, members of the Hellsing Organisation, Millennium and Iscariot are just randomly slaughtering each other in the middle of a cornfield/on the edge of a cliff (OMG! A CLIFFY!)/downtown in a ruined city/under a bridge in an intact city/on a lovely beach on a desert island/aboard the Titanic (OMG! A CLIFFY! ARGH! JACK DAWSON CAMEO! OMG… WTF? Oops, wrong fandom…).

So, while aimlessly firing bayonets in every direction, Anderson realizes that… OMG! A CLIFFY!  
…he…  
OMG! A CLIFFY!  
…loves…  
OMG! A CLIFFY!  
…Alucard!!!_(reader has fainted, but whether in shock or cliché overdose, cannot be decided)_

So, getting back to this fantastic plot, Anderson of course immediately turns off machine-gun-bayonet-throwing-mode, and runs over to Alucard, who immediately summons some shadows and a few random hellhounds to feast on the priest's remains, when… OMG! A CLIFFY!

Alucard…  
OMG! A CLIFFY!  
…loves…  
OMG! A CLIFFY!  
…Anderson!!!_(reader dies from cliffy overdose. Or did they fall off that goddamn cliff?)_

So, they start shagging with about 753858 people/vampires watching. And, don't forget the lime, the lemon, and, while at the fruit stand, get some orange and grapefruit as well. Oh, and we wouldn't want to leave the bananas there, would we?

Oops, say you, that was PWP, and you weren't aiming for that. This was supposed to be some _very serious_ heartbreaking slash fic! (So serious it makes me wanna cry!)

Recap…  
"Alucard, aeh…" stammered ad OOC Anderson while an even more OOC Alucard listened, tilting his head like an adorable (hell)puppy.  
Oh, we forgot a VERY IMPORTANT ELEMENT!!! Guess what...?

_ANGST!!!_

Anderson angsts about his feelings for, like 2 or 3 chapters (during which Alucard could have merrily make lasagne of him, or call Sweeney Todd and go for the meat pie instead), only then the scene described above takes place.  
So, Alucard tilts his head.  
"You what?" he asks Anderson.  
"Aeh... luv ye, Alucard..."  
In-character Alucard here feeds some tasty Alex to his hellhounds. But this is a slash fic, so OOC Alucard falls in his arms crying tears of blood. But only after at least 5 chapters of angst and cliffies.

Integra stares horrified, while Maxwell swings a cross around screaming stuff like _celibacy_. Wait. That would be in-character Integra and Maxwell acting logically. We can't leave it like that!

Integra angsts (2 chapters minimum) about how Alucard and Anderson are happily making out, and she has no one. Oh oooh.  
Maxwell angsts about his crush on Integra (5 chapters minimum).  
What, you mean Maxwell isn't a woman? Aw, sheesh. This has to be slash... so Maxwell cries desperately over his crush on Anderson, and how _he_ wanted to make out with him, not Alucard.  
But this is slash, people. And, ya know, 14 year-old teenage girls love nothing more than reading slashy PWPs. So, Maxwell jumps in, Alucard and Anderson scream "YAY!!! THREESOME, BABY!!!"  
- and only here come the tropical fruits. Add some coconuts to the basket, now that you're there.

But Integra is still there angsting! OMG! A CLIFFY!!!  
But this is slash. OOC Seras shows up and says "I see, you need sex... I know how to make you happy!"  
Very believable. Probably Seras (a _virgin_!!! She was vamped as such!!!) has been shagging the Hellsing maids on the side since her arrival, so she knows how to make women happy.  
Add some pineapples to the basket.

And what about the Millennium? Don't worry about Heinkel and Yumiko, they're already yuriing around in some dark corner. Yep, Heinkel is a woman. Add some bananas to the basket.

So, back to the Millennium, they see no one is fighting any more as they're busy with something else. And the soldiers? They're _all men_, guys. Add some avocados to the basket.  
The Major jumps over the Dok who's already busy raping poor Schrödinger, and the Captain doesn't want to be left out. And Rip and Zorin are both girls. Add some papayas to the basket.

Make a fruit cake and enjoy!!!


	4. Crossovers

**I'm back :) Meanwhile, - I publicize myself, I am such an egoist! - I wrote another "How NOT to write..." guide in the Titanic section :)**

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**Oh, and if you have an idea about something I haven't yet talked about, feel free to give me suggestions! And I can't thank you enough for all the positive feedback. ;)**

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**Part IV: Crossovers**

I'd still like to state that crossovers _can_ be good. Even Mary-Sues _can_ be redeemable. There are a few things to avoid, though…

**1. Complete Chaotic Crossover Craziness (C****.C.C.C.)**

_General: _Sailor Moon is all alone defending the Earth from Voldemort, and she can't handle it even with the One Ring in her hands and Naruto promising all his help! But don't worry, for Integra releases Alucard from a Pokéball and…

_Main problem:_…right. I think you got my point.

**2. Writer running out of ideas**

_General: _Everything _could _be just okay in a pointless fic with absolutely no plot (and thousands of readers exactly because of this), when the need to make _something_ happen breaks its boundaries, and the Phantom of the Opera kidnaps Integra! OMG! A CLIFFY!

_Main problem:_ If you can't make your fic more action-packed without crossovering it with stuff that should have been never ever forced into Hellsing, write some plotless fluff in the Hamtaro (if you don't know about it, you're a happy person) section, thank you very much. Trust me, they'll love you.

**3. ****Coupling Crossover**

_General:_ Integra is supposed to have children to keep the Hellsing bloodline, but she can't conceive from Alucard (a thousand bonus points for realising that!), but eventually she'll have to marry… Oooh, who's that sexy guy…? OMG! A CLIFFY! Yagami Light, of course! OMG! A CLIFFY! He quickly writes in the Death Note all of Hellsing's enemies, and with this, he conquers Integra's heart…

_Main problem:_…do I really have to tell you? …sighs… Listen, if you want Integra to marry and have kids, and even if you make a Gary-Stu for that purpose, it's fine. But crossovering just for this shows _some_ lack of ideas.

**3.2. Slash coupling crossover**

_General:_ Alucard is lonesome, oh oooh. OMG! A CLIFFY! Everyone that you wanted to slash him with is dead. And here ends your following of the canon, for Goku jumps out of nowhere and they shag 'til the end of time, for Alucard bites him (nevermind that he's not a virgin) to have his lover stay with him forever.

_Main problem:_ See above and in Part III, don't make me tell you, please!

**4.** **Crossover Sue**

_General:_ The writer wants an OC, but cannot make one of their own, so what's next? Omitting the fact that it's a crossover, suddenly Captain Jack Sparrow gets bitten by Alucard and becomes the new slashy Seras-substitute.

_Main problem:_ If you can't even make a Sueish OC, get away from the keyboard and go blow soap bubbles.

**5. Related crossover**

_General:_ Under this come the Van Helsing or Dracula crossovers (the latter makes more sense, but, then again, it's your choice.) These can be written quite well, unless…

_Main problem: ..._the writer notices that zillions of people have done it before them, so the need to make the fic unique shows up, with horrifying consequences; on the other hand, crossovering Hellsing, Dracula _and_ Van Helsing borders C.C.C.C., in my view.

**6. Random peripherial crossover**

_General:_ The Hellsing storyline goes on without extra characters interfering, but to add a "touch of humor", Sweeney Todd is the one who delivers blood for Alucard.

_Main problem: _This can really destroy a good fic. This kind of "touch of humor" is so painfully without sense, that it hurts even to tell you.

**7. Wrong reverse crossover**

_General:_ You're writing a fic in another section, but can't get over a situation… so, since Jack dies in _Titanic_, how can you make him survive? Alucard bites him, of course! (Once again, never mind that he's not a virgin)

_Main problem:_ It's fun as long as it's a parody… don't put Hellsing where it does not belong. Period.


	5. Cliffies and smut

**Hello! :) Sorry for the long wait.**

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**Part V: OMG! A CLIFFY! (And some smut)**

Well, I guess it was about time I turned the spotlight on the phrase that has seemingly, though involuntarily, turned into my trademark catchphrase…

Now, it depends on you. Even if the story is pretty predictable, a well-placed cliffhanger can always lift it up. A good writer knows when and where to put them. And jut one more thing… a good writer never, never ever, NEVER EVER EVER says: "OMG! A CLIFFY!" Gee, did you think the reader did not notice…? Thank you very much for the trust in our intelligence!

Also, Hellsing smut. It can be good. Even if it's pointless. Unless…

**How NOT to write Hellsing smut cliffies – and generally, Hellsing fanifction - OMG! A CLIFFY!**

**Chapter 1**

Integra sat on her bed crying, knowing her beautiful red-cloaked lover _(what the hell?)_ won't come visit her again, when the door slowly opened and there he stood… OMG! WHAT A CLIFFY HERE! Now, WHO was standing there??? Heehee, stay tuned! _(For ya know, OMG I totally think the one standing in the doorway is Maxwell…)_

**Chapter 2**

"Oh, Alucard…" she sighed as he lifted her in his arms _(yeah, that's really in-character)_ and she felt the warmth of his body _(the warmth of a dead vampire? Um, Integra's heat receptors might not be working… maybe she should see a doctor?)_.

OMG HEEHEE! I knew, I knew it was a total cliffy last time, but hope it was worth the wait _(whatever you say, o Mighty Writer)_!!! But now I will be cruel again, tee hee! _(So you will write another chapter?)_ Please bear with me! _(Sure. Will go wash my brain right now)_ OMG! A CLIFFY!!!

**Chapter 3**

OMG I'M BACK!!! _(Oh dear, please no…)_

"My beautiful Master…" Alucard gently removed Integra's lovely lavender silk nightgown _(do you mean Seras, maybe?)_, and looked at her glorious naked body. His grin widened as she slightly blushed _(what the hell? Did you put your Sailor Moon fanfic in the wrong section?!)_, but then her eyes grew wide with hunger and…

OMG! A CLIFFY!!! _(Fine. A little more of that in a row, and I would need triple dose of brain bleach…)_

**Chapter 4**

OMG DID YOU WAIT FOR ME?! _(Not really)_

Integra knew how much she needed sex _(Hm, so she's not a virgin after all… horny!Integra)_, but she never thought her servant would be so willing in satisfying her desires _(neither did I)_, and when she felt his erection pressing against her leg _(umm…) _she knew it was time to rid him of his pants and that red cloak, no matter how arousing it was _(CLOAK FETISH!!! 111!!!)_.

"Mmm, my Master…" Alucard's hot tongue tasted the silky skin of her breasts _(heat receptor emergency, weeooweeooo!)_, and Integra suddenly…

OMG! A CLIFFY! HOW EXCITING! _(Sheesh, I was totally horny, ya know…)_

**Chapter 5**

Okay, my dear readers, heehee, sorry for all the cliffies, thank you for staying with me! _(Just waiting to put a well-adjusted flame, buddy)_ So… I won't make you wait any longer _(so you will finally leave this site?)_, here goes the OMG LEMON!!! _(Where's the orange and the grapefruit? Forgot to get some?)_

As Alucard was stripped of all his clothing, he and Integra merged together _(was he in liquid form all along… what?)_, and their breathing quickened _(only Integra's, maybe)_, and as the warmth engulfed him she felt the heat _(where is that ambulance already?!)_ and they stayed like that for a long time _(poor Integra might catch a cold!)_ until their desire was finally fulfilled.

OMG THE END! _(Finally! Wait… where was the lemon? This wasn't even lime!)_

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Before you write, know what you want. And learn something about fanfiction language.

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**OMG! A CLIFFY!**


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